GoFish2010
Introduction/Definition/etc
Not at all inspiring, positive, or even useful,
but that is the depressed/ disabled life at times...
20100820 06.09 am Jerry
Body
As the summer goes towards Labor Day weekend,
the end of sorts, storms and power fluctuations abound...
I'm caught in the vortex of the unknown,
a lot like the times before, going through
treatment looking for ways to stay alive
even when I didn't want to...
Going 2 hours each way to day treatment,
for months, and more months, while they
put in paperwork on me, my job,
like the job of most who are disabled,
is to stay alive.
People ask a lot, what do you do?
What is your job?
I'm disabled...
("It's like retirement, but everyone thinks
you should work, but can't" tm)
So many things change, even glacially,
I've outlasted most of the neighbors
So many months of going back and forth,
from a living room floor, I was allergic
to my friends couch, to a shelter after
that wore out, been there many times,
too long, and something had to change,
been past my welcome, and didn't know what
else to do, so went to the shelter,
and luckily they let me in,
like the Social Security Office
recently, but different,
gatekeepers jobs I guess, but it doesn't
seem right...
In a shelter, if one person comes in,
one probably has to go out,
as it is usually to capacity...
Maybe someone stayed out too late
and didn't care enough to be on time,
like the problems recently at housing,
it is difficult getting places, on time,
without a car...
The demands are enormous, when the
public thinks it's sitting home watching
Springer and eating Bon Bons...
I've been lucky to eat...
Back in the winter storms, I had bought stuff
just to get out, beans, pounds of them
because it was something cheap
and towards a nutritional goal,
learn other grains/ proteins,
starches...
But like the kids going back to school,
and people going fishing, I'm up very very
early, can't sleep, worried about stuff,
like military I guess, up to do something,
not sure why, not sure what is going to
happen. Told to go, so going,
not going to like it?
Someone thought it might be good
news, but I'm depressed...
People think I should be happy,
but where would I get the energy?
Several days of busy stuff,
some of which I want to do,
some of which may not work out,
some of which I have to do,
because I don't really have a choice...
Not on my time frame, not on my schedule,
not in my control.
Like kids in the late afternoon,
trying to keep in motion
until they drop...
Or trying to tell my father to stay
in bed, stay down, like the boxer
throwing the fight, or the referee,
how do you call it?
How do you know when it's over?
And what is next?
Early morning waking,
like the years of neighbors waking me up
at 4 am when I might have been able to
go to bed/ sleep around 12 or 1 am,
after late support group, or biking
from technical stuff, or just can't
sleep. And it's taken it's toll,
my eyes are dark sockets,
my spirit is down,
and my energy is bad.
But this is supposed to be about
recovery. The MH Block Grant Application
with Fairfax County is due today,
comments in person or in writing due
in Richmond, such short notice
only a few days to comment on
the years of effort. The people
lost, friends, and family, the time
spent, the feet run over, the
centers opened and the professionals
who took credit for it, instead of the
Work Group, Consumers, Survivors, Expatients
(CSX) who went out of their way, at their expense
to make it happen, for people like them
so that they would have a better life,
better than what they had before
and so others would not have to go through
the same things, alone and scared
and beaten down, by the system,
by society, by themselves and others...
We have memorial projects, hospitals
back yards, grave sites like Concentration
Camps, all those moved elsewhere,
out of sight and out of mind,
buried and now looked up...
Pathways lists in a newsletter
the losses over the years,
but not the cause of death.
We die 20-30 years earlier
than most, us Mental Health people.
And I'm 46, with a father who died
at 73, so how many years left do I have?
How many years lost with family,
some now gone?
The younger years already past,
and can't get back.
Hell if I know, I just type here...
Conclusion
Summary of experience or similar
Discussion
A place for feedback on the page presented
Page History
20100820 Jerry
- Jerry created this page to ...
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