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GoFish2010

Page history last edited by jerry 13 years, 7 months ago

GoFish2010

 


 

Introduction/Definition/etc

 

Not at all inspiring, positive, or even useful,

but that is the depressed/ disabled life at times...

 

20100820 06.09 am Jerry

 

 

Body

 

As the summer goes towards Labor Day weekend,

the end of sorts, storms and power fluctuations abound...

 

I'm caught in the vortex of the unknown,

a lot like the times before, going through

treatment looking for ways to stay alive

even when I didn't want to...

 

Going 2 hours each way to day treatment,

for months, and more months, while they

put in paperwork on me, my job,

like the job of most who are disabled,

is to stay alive.

 

People ask a lot, what do you do?

What is your job?

 

I'm disabled...

("It's like retirement, but everyone thinks

you should work, but can't"  tm)

 

So many things change, even glacially,

I've outlasted most of the neighbors

 

So many months of going back and forth,

from a living room floor, I was allergic

to my friends couch, to a shelter after

that wore out, been there many times,

too long, and something had to change,

been past my welcome, and didn't know what

else to do, so went to the shelter,

and luckily they let me in,

like the Social Security Office

recently, but different,

gatekeepers jobs I guess, but it doesn't

seem right...

 

In a shelter, if one person comes in,

one probably has to go out,

as it is usually to capacity...

 

Maybe someone stayed out too late

and didn't care enough to be on time,

like the problems recently at housing,

it is difficult getting places, on time,

without a car...

 

The demands are enormous, when the

public thinks it's sitting home watching

Springer and eating Bon Bons...

 

I've been lucky to eat... 

Back in the winter storms, I had bought stuff

just to get out, beans, pounds of them

because it was something cheap

and towards a nutritional goal,

learn other grains/ proteins,

starches...

 

But like the kids going back to school,

and people going fishing, I'm up very very

early, can't sleep, worried about stuff,

like military I guess, up to do something,

not sure why, not sure what is going to

happen.   Told to go, so going,

not going to like it?

 

Someone thought it might be good

news, but I'm depressed...

People think I should be happy,

but where would I get the energy?

 

Several days of busy stuff,

some of which I want to do,

some of which may not work out,

some of which I have to do,

because I don't really have a choice...

 

Not on my time frame, not on my schedule,

not in my control.

 

Like kids in the late afternoon,

trying to keep in motion

until they drop...

 

Or trying to tell my father to stay

in bed, stay down, like the boxer

throwing the fight, or the referee,

how do you call it?

 

How do you know when it's over?

 

And what is next?

 

Early morning waking,

like the years of neighbors waking me up

at 4 am when I might have been able to

go to bed/ sleep around 12 or 1 am,

after late support group, or biking

from technical stuff, or just can't

sleep.  And it's taken it's toll,

my eyes are dark sockets,

my spirit is down,

and my energy is bad.

 

But this is supposed to be about

recovery.  The MH Block Grant Application

with Fairfax County is due today,

comments in person or in writing due

in Richmond, such short notice

only a few days to comment on

the years of effort.  The people

lost, friends, and family, the time

spent, the feet run over, the

centers opened and the professionals

who took credit for it, instead of the

Work Group, Consumers, Survivors, Expatients

(CSX) who went out of their way, at their expense

to make it happen, for people like them

so that they would have a better life,

better than what they had before

and so others would not have to go through

the same things, alone and scared

and beaten down, by the system,

by society, by themselves and others...

 

We have memorial projects, hospitals

back yards, grave sites like Concentration

Camps, all those moved elsewhere,

out of sight and out of mind,

buried and now looked up...

 

Pathways lists in a newsletter

the losses over the years,

but not the cause of death.

 

We die 20-30 years earlier

than most, us Mental Health people.

 

And I'm 46, with a father who died

at 73, so how many years left do I have?

 

How many years lost with family,

some now gone?

 

The younger years already past,

and can't get back.

 

Hell if I know, I just type here...

 

 

Conclusion

 

Summary of experience or similar

 

Discussion

 

A place for feedback on the page presented

 

Page History

20100820 Jerry

  • Jerry created this page to ...

 

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