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VOCALCon2009

Page history last edited by jerry 14 years, 9 months ago

VOCALCon2009

 


 

Introduction/Definition/etc

 

The state consumer organization VOCAL (Virginia Organization of Consumers

Asserting Leadership) is meeting again at James Madison University this week

June 2-4, 2009.  'Roots and Wings' is the titled theme of this years conference,

and will see how it goes and hopefully report about it up here again this year...

 

 

20090601 8.41 am Jerry

 

 

Body

 

Some Preliminary Con Impressions:

Addendum: NOTES  REALLY, NOT ORGANIZED  NOR POLISHED  ENOUGH

 

It's getting away from me, I'm getting old at 5 years into the movement,

15+? into receiving services, and a lifetime of experiences,

and to make EveryOne hate me, and to do my blogging/ journalistic/

ranting duties: I must say, sitting on the edges of a conference,

i.e. eating [mostly] alone in the cafeteria, you can't take food out,

it's against the rules, reminding me that we are back in institutions,

like hospitals, and presumably comparable to jails,

when we are in school setting, meaning:

  • sleep deprivation
  • noisy dorms (how can a door closing be so loud that is slams?)
  • no real choice of food/ but registration form say don't bother to request

         food accommodations, as the cafeteria will have it...

        but even the salad dressing, typically the icing on vegetables were not labelled low fat, etc

  • vegetarian, or is what they consider vegetarian in most meat and potatoes areas, is cheese, what was offered was too spicy not plain, you must need something besides...
  • no milk substitute, soy, almond, etc seemingly available anywhere nearby, certainly not in cafeteria, nor Festival convience store

 

Upon first entering the cafeteria, I was making jokes about trying to gain the freshman 20 pounds in 3 days as arriving early on the first Monday night JMU Festival was not operating the cafeteria, and I could not figure out the school schedules posted, from building hours to bus schedules, as not part of the regular school scene...

 

Luckily, I had packed some food, just in case, and normally do anyway,

but could not afford to go out to eat, though discovered not registered for a room correctly

(one of 250 or so conference attendees),

so might not have had a place to stay, if it were not for the VOCAL staff

after waiting for an hour+, when just wanted to crash to bed,

unsure of allowed arrival time, I had scheduled early to bike there, recover a day

after 200 miles or so, hoping against hope that the $1000 typical 4 day 200 mile trip

might be possible, finding stealth camping options, but no resources, and little flexibility so drove,

last year was RidingInVansWithGirls, as a passenger with 3 women, myself, and bike,

learning more about womens' issues than any guy should have to, not in control,

not typical guy at the wheel refusing directions, but a passive observer/particpant/ receiver of services,

much like the conference, sit and listen, we appointed /titled consumer providers know what you need to hear and it would be interrupting to speak up...

 

Growing [/ or not growing up], I didn't like much of the popular stuff like the Beatles,

Rolling Stones, more Bob Dylan, Pink Floyd (Another Brick in the Wall, Learning To Fly, Dogs of War)

and now that rock star Obama, but only in some, not all communities,

you'd be unpatriotic [similar to Bush's War Machine PR] or worse yet seen as racist,

to oppose what he is doing trying to dominate the political landscape for his owm ego and

while making amends on racial differences in the last 200+ years,

seems to be working from some divine agenda, to which we are not all party to,

like the news reports of his trip/date night to New York City, a public funded plane trip in a time

when GM is going under, most people can't be living the beautiful people /

i.e. Harvard lifestyle, when most are not, but I digress into national politics...

 

Anyway, on the tail end of it, we might have wanted a t shirt ("I survived VOCALCon2009")

or ("The Hospital was easy, VOCAL Con was tough") as one CPS

(Certified Peer Specialist, then able to bill Medicaid) paid by Fairfax county,

and I've known and liked for years, mentioned we might want CEU's

or contact hours [better yet diplomas?!] like we get from provider conferences,

but as a person probably paid to be there, not sure how we separate the classes,

the upperclass/ alumni of programs/ graduate students or equivalent people certified...

 

CPS  formal training was informally described as 2 weeks of 9-5 read through everything

and a test each week, this is what you must know, AS IF:

  • you are now an automaton for the system,
  • outnumbered, unheard, relegated to demeaning 'fetch and carry' roles for professional degreed people,
  • much like the 'get a conference staff person' to determine where we can get ice
  • (like in a hotel/motel at the end of each hallway) and other more democratic types of goverance...

 

 

And not fully implementing [school conf staff in a meeting] a last minute suggestion of connecting

the conference attendees with the larger school experience/ i.e. matriculating,

some might want to complete long standing goals of getting that degree,

as a week or two of training would substitute for years of study, but lived experience

should count, instead of counting against you, and the orientation is different,

having been on campus for the con and reminded (or first seen) what college life is like:

 

  • no/litttle sleep, [RAs like told it was like camping, and seemingly comfortable but somehow I couldn't, there is a reason we graduate and go on out of dorms...]
  • finals, [will this be on the test [ er... evaluation form]???]
  • class schedules, [conference schedule]
  • try to get laid... [don't know, none of my business, but you put lonely people in dorms...]
  • where is the party? [there was a dance/ kareoke Wednesday night hugely popular...]
  • we are going to get drunk [change that kareoke singer's meds please!]/ overeat/ binge, [cafeteria] etc,
  • then skip class [lecture/workshops] and try to pass the exam...

 

Nope, No, Jerry Springer appearance (was Richmond closing feedback sessions) again this year,

as I had to rest before trying to leave, trying to drive safely for hours in the downpour [somewhat glad didn't bike],

the second of the 3-4 days (one a thunderstorm that seemed to have taken out the cell towers,

a sheet of water upon awaking from a much needed break and nap...)

 

Like the signs in the elevator, in violet crayon? [Addendum: an arts quiet/ chill out room project?]

"please be quiet, as we may be sleeping at any time of the day"

or very similar, I should have gotten a picture of that...

 

Another person jumps out of the elevator when I get in,

early Thursday morning and walks up the stairs instead of being in the little box with me,

and I didn't realize I'm that scary, and this person is paid by my and others efforts...

Addendum: Must be her issue, not mine...

 

So it all makes me wonder what it was like for S.H. Cho to be different,

unable to communicate in a rural setting, in a college town,

when college is not going as expected nor hoped,

Asian [Addendum and other] culture stereotypically so focused on achievement, possibly as compensation

for social stigma, or just a core value, much like Judaic and other communities where doctor, lawyer,

professional is the respected end goal...

 

 

Two or more excursions out of the false academia, Ivory Tower

East Campus of the other president James Madison, someone who's face is

on all the signs but who's history should be a graduation/

conference final question.  "Who was James Madison?" 

"What did he do?  What was his contribution to founding the USA?"

"Did he create the Bill of Rights?"  No, think that was George Mason...???

 

I've heard the name but am not a history major, [and will have to look it up]

nor has it been a while [over a decade] since a formal student,

WARNING!!! PERSONAL SCHOOL HISTORY DIVERSION FOLLOWS

having graduated 10 years before, on the 17+ year plan,

go to school fresh out of high school, first year started well

almost AAAA, but somehow collapsed/ crashed,

perhaps the onset of the mental illness, as they didn't consider some

illnesses as real for children/ adolescents, just a phase hopefully grow out of,

the conflicts then the college closed, also a presidential institution,

then first summer try staying at school, not wanting to go home,

but not required to be there, so work study job is now from computer lab [reg term] to

clean toilets early Sunday mornings [or punishment for school closing???],

so I'm out of here - withdraw, second year struggle to get back,

culture shock, survive almost to coop time, but slept through finals so terminated with FFFF,

other MH like issues, relationships, spending more time

with girlfriend than studying [first year school had a rep for being a party/get laid school],

but I guess she wouldn't want someone not Acing stuff, the breadwinner and star

was the attraction, I guess, from a big city urban area, the nation's capital,

controller, dominator of the world, but not Ivy League

like my other class mates...  I can't afford that, grades not that good,

SAT also, though some family tradition was Ivy League, some closer

state school end up with Ph.D.s, i.e. terminal degrees

and contribute in the nation arena...

 

 

Anyway, back to a three day consumer experience...

Consumerism gone rampid (sp? here).   One keynote mentioned,

we got our name changed from Survivor movement to Consumer,

without our real acceptance nor approval.  I've always balked

at the 'We are the happy ones, passive receipients of services,'

attitude that the term consumer implies or what really happened,

just people who survived despite all the odds piled against us...

[Addendum: some use prosumer and other titles when giving back...]

 

Like the icing on the cake, the OIG (Office of Inspector General) in an early

morning ~9 am Thursday start, the presenters probably hadn't been there the past

days, [not able to be] sleeping in dorms, said to have been invited, but out of handouts,

lectured and read the slides to us a little like children, nothing put on the projector behind them,

so can't follow along like everyone else, that authoritian suit type attitude of funders/ legistlators,

and said he talks to/ reports to the governor, some telling us how it should be,

we should have choice, and once a long winded even later-comer-alonger arrived

and too quickly started talking, I and others had been respectful to listen,

trying to dominate, was key to my departure from that workshop / session...

 

 

An OIG presenter later wondering where I went off too, it's short attention span theatre with me

and try to get to each workshop, to sample what is being presented, [addendum: and how it's presented, i.e. meta communication but] we didn't audio tape nor even video tape the event,

[Addendum: though I used to photograph as many presenters as possible, as much for name/

face recognition, but release of photographs, or opting out should probably be on the registration

form, or at least develop a consensus driven VOCAL Con photo policy]

probably much too much work or money, and a [Addendum: Paid] publicity woman

has better toys (high end [Addendum: read Professional Quality] digital camera), and earlier coming in had

seen a press video camera interviewing her, I'm triyng to hold back

giggling off on the corner camera, the rag/ fish wrap low tech/ poor approach,

beat street reporter with hobbyist camera, an observer/participant, probably still suspended

from the poverty paper (haven't checked from months ago) that takes over

my WillWriteForFoodPage, in an MTV generation,

(MTV U discovered early before the cattle class arrived,

soon to be sardine class, but maybe good living for someone

stuck in a provider run clubhouse, can't get out much unless staff takes

us out to be aired out, we get three square meals, skip to smoke,

eating only at scheduled times, no real choice there, can't use the con

meal card at school convienence stores like regular students, one in lower drum,

(big circular windowed area outside cafeteria, have photo but not really disk space)

convenience store like the Mr. Chips store all the way down the hill,

near the bookstore and by the railroad track and 'old school' classic campus

that looks like it could have ivy but probably doesn't.

 

 

Wandering into town, was a ~6 mile bike ride to try

the local farmer's market, early Tuesday morning before the

conference really got going, Con registration started 10-12 am,

lunch, meal plan, hauling stuff in, a walk off the parking

lot or drive up in the circle, have people watch the

van/ car/ and unload quickly, "Where's My Valet?!"

I want to shout, bag and rolling luggage cart like a hotel/ motel?

 

 

There is one refrigerator in the middle of the dorm split wings,

five stories each, which I found last year, has a stove and not sure where a

dishwasher or even garbage disposal in sinkurator? would be... 

 

Mircrowaves and flat panel HDTVs (I don't have one of those... :-( 

but I do have a remote control and might be able to hook up a headphones

for late night viewing at home, so as not to disturb others when not sleeping) in each floor lounge,

and a CRT TV  found blaring in the main floor by the lobby a couple of times,

 

 

Typical students/ smokers,

 

  • smoking lounge too close to the doors,
  • we have to get lungs full of smoke to even enter the buildings... 

 

Inconsiderate smokers thinking/ too lazy to walk away from the building,

the 'smoke and coke syndrome' at it's worst.  At state hospitals

they have had a smoking ban since October of the year before [check dates, losing years],

once giving cigarettes as reward for good psychiatric behaivor,

rumored that someone decades inpatient died from it, and this is old

tobacco country, more Christian bible belt, perhaps,

the big cross on the hill coming in on the interstate

tells you where you are, like Disney Land up here and further north,

[Addendum: see Disney buying space in DC National Harbor Area]

Morman/ LDS national church in Bethesda coming round the 

beltway from Silver Spring,MD, perhaps carpet bagging,

education wise, from more rural areas up north...

 

 

Anyway, good to see some people, I'd been involved in the

original federal grant application, but like all the others, it seems,

things went another way once the money came in, monthly VOCAL

meetings moved to a day I had a standing commitment the night

before, even last year brought down to conference in a rush, nominated to the board,

but didn't win the popularity contest, so many new people,

brought in from clubhouses, etc, that our history is

being lost...

 

[Not that others should not get a chance to experience the Con

and consumer movement first hand, but we seem to have

lost so many and much of the old vision, at least to me,

or just tired... Addendum:  College dorms might reduce costs

and allow some more people to attend on scholarship,

but not all of us can be comfortable in dorms, at our advanced

ages of 2+x your average college freshman, obesity, sleep

apnea, and other disturbances typical of mental health

people, some even caused by meds...]

 

Enjoyed spending some time with the veterans of the Virginia

consumer/survivor/ ex-patient movemment, having heard

through one to one networking/ gossiping that our first keynote,

Judi Chamberlain was in hospice,

sending word though the REACH director, John in a letter read

to the conference, and hopefully going up on one of the VOCAL websites,

having us keep up the fight, the good works, and a link

to her blog [Addendum: google her and hospice or blog?

http://judi-lifeasahospicepatient.blogspot.com/]

describing the hospice end of life issues

with CPOD, a heart ailment, fairly ironic and sad given

the system mostly doesn't have a heart towards us much of the time,

[Addendum: though she provided care and hope to so many through OOO and NEC]

we are the [huddled?] masses, the hungry [malnurished with pills, programs and poor food],

angry, lonely, and tired, our poor, the poorest of the disabilities, it was lectured,

and keynoted, by a lawyer entertainining as she is, she'd not

even remembering where she was traveling to, speaking to an audience

where this is our big yearly outing, though many are new,

but she did remember talking to Dan Fisher, one of the consumer/survivor/ex-patient

superstars, as a med student, now a doctor, had schizophrenia,

but is now recovered.  Yes, substance abuse people, it's

not a process, he is a finished product... Maybe not

a mainstream doc, but with the National Empowerment Center,

where Judi was/is training director, and author of On Our Own,

the 1974 book describing the mental patient libration movement in the

60's several bad hospital and traditional provider experiences,

before they even considered we might not want electro shock,

like this year's keynote lawyer said, afraid as a lawyer she would sue,

didn't bother asking for consent for that procedure...

 

 

But someone along the way, someone [hopefully] says you might/ can get better,

in the substnace abuse world, your powerlessness, and

repeatedly admitting you have a problem, denial being

deadly to relapse to the old drinking/drugging/whatever behaviors... 

 

Like the food, supposed to be healthy, but not for me,

most in food recovery programs would bring their own,

need a fridge/freezer, stove & microwave all in one place,

not floors and/or building apart,, but no wonder the eating disorders

magazine Gurze books catalog http://www.bulimia.com was handed out/

available on the literature tables, and while so many have a long standing binge and/

or purge experience in college, teen girls and boys usually starting so early trying to live up to the

Hollywood mag images of what a woman / man should be, i.e. toothpick/ malnurished,

anorexic, and/or beefcake jock, because in America? fat is bad [but so common],

skinny is good [and rare and valued], or so the mainstream considers...

 

 

Anyway, I divert my attention so much from what we were

talking/ranting about, the conference, a yearly mecca for me

to see how the rest of the state is doing, as an unfunded,

unemployed really uncared for [& without automobile] person

I can't fully participate in the state, and the state organization

can't spend enough time coming to a corner of the state,

the mass majority of the VOCAL Network

seems to be Central/ Richmond/ Charlottesville area,

with Tidewater, Norfolk, SouthWest and others

making a cameo, like Robin from OOORoanoke, note there

are at least two Robins, one We Care, from my CELT Valentines'

day a few years back, in Richmond, rolling in on a wheelchair

into the state capital, post Rally MLK disabled allowed in the State Capital

people giggling about rolling an ex-biker into the transportation subcommittee hearings

where they were talking about teen drivers and Cell Phones,

picking on the inexperienced kids when adults are the culprits

as well, maybe everyone should go back to a learner's permit

rights when offending with a cell phone, the latest in technology

is social equality, a disrupter kit where you carry something

like a cigarrette case, what make RF noise and cells and

other annoying but ubiquitous noxious tech go away...

See http://www.ladyada.net/pub/research.html

 

 

 

This MIT Thesis describing the Masters project, success

by a letter from campus security warning when discovered

that it looked like a bomb, and they confiscated it

or similar...  Good work, in the tech circles, that's

success, doing something others don't and getting

attention / reprimanded by mainstream society/ authority for it...

 

 

In the counter culture of Consumerism, we are good

little recipients of services, we have some rights,

largely ignored and disrespected, this probably

being the final blow to my regional and state

activities, as so many years in on personal funds,

it's gotten very taxing, even if funded finally,

(i.e. like leaving the next gens the inheritance)

see a previous entry TooLittleTooLateOrTheWrongThingEntirely

starved by the providers withholding funding, the bankers,

much like Madoff [check name], we consumer/survivors/advocate get money for you,

then the system charges fees, which you have no choice but accepting, for they

are the only bank in town, though to hold the money

and take our checks/ directions, but really they stalled,

and denied and finally misappropriated/

stole our resouces, as we were 'in transition' while newly hired,

without consumer input staff thinking they make the decision, have the responsibility,

i.e. control freaks with authority, who missed the point in the first place,

only one CSBExec who has been involved in creating the wealth in the first

place, called to a vote we RRWG  weren't even attending,

nobody but token voices heard there...  7 providers and

one outside consumer, that's a stacked deck...

 

 

So why is he writing so nasty?  You got a vacation?

Actually, it was more like work...  But unpaid work,

from the workshop where the ice breaker was being taught

how to say good morning, hello, be chearful, like

being tall and told you should be short, or vice versa,

cheerfullness while a nice polite PC type thing,

is not what a depressive can/ nor will achieve,

and the constant Good Morning, when you feel that

mornings are cruel and unusual punishment,

having not rested the night before and being

told in lecture you are late, when lucky to be

there at all, remembering those that are not

with us this year, not in a formal memorial ceremony,

but called up on stage and asked about Patrick

in Richmond, a lost friend, who I constantly remind

people about here on site and elsewhere.

A good old man trying to help, using resources,

trying to fit in and probably having the necessary

elements withheld and then blamed for the lack of success,

much like the pattern I've been seeing for years...

 

 

You don't have to see/ feel my self torturous self hatred,

it's just out towards everyone else, as about myself

would be self indulgent...  But I want you to know

how it can be for depressives, and manics in a depressive

state, the world outside matches the self hatred

we have for ourselves, and we don't want to be told

to be cheerful, 'good morning' 'hi, how are you?'

becuase the reply is tedious and un PC, life

sucks, we want to die, leave me alone, or feel like

have to lie, alternated to how have you abandoned me? 

Why am I sitting alone?

 

That outcast on the college campus who no one dares

talk to, snapping at even friendly person,

not in the cliquish clubhouse and van travelling

people together who already know each other and

occassional wander outside the normal circles,

the stated group conference plan this year was to meet new people,

get smiley face stickers placed on your badge for new people met

this year, and collect as many new people and smileys

as you can.  Not bad in theory, and something I used to try to do informally,

but when institutionalized, seems a little hokie?

 

 

Anyway, the veterans event by Chris of CELT fame,

got heated for me, as  I am told I know nothing by another attendee,

not a presenter, from another Northern Virginia person, and when quoting

source, he probably didn't bother to follow up, and while the

military is big enough that the right hand probably

doesn't know what the left hand is doing, some just

think they know everything, talk forever, create public conflict and

basically are insubordinate, and in the military world

would lead to a court martial...

 

 

But in the consumerism world, they finally [figuratively] killed off

a veteran advocate, someone you will probably know

what it is like to lose most of the people who started

with you, fought in the trenches of the cosumer/provider

war, shared the personal stuggles in support groups,

and spilled over into a way of life, telling others

how bad it can be, when the culture changed to be happy

and recovering as you are supposed to be, all the possiblities,

all the monies we are spending upon you, and you dare

not be happy?  and positive?

 

 

No, I'm not happy, I'm tired, and devalued, used and

abused, put away wet, and drowning in my own black

bile, aka meloncholia, the original root of the word,

not able to connect except at the superficial geekish

like here's a robot, isn't it fun?  immature for a

45 year old, but doing inner child work...

And cheaper and more effective than therapy...

 

 

And got another one for me to see?  Yep, a wheelie bird,

helicopter like toy that needs some airspace, doesn't

take remote control well (the IR sendor / LED like thing

seems melted on top) but as the Roots and Wings theme

of the conference, we are only starting to learn how

to take flight, more baby duckling/ [dodo bird/ wabbling penguin?]

so many have trained to become CPS,

or WRAP facilitators or CELT grads, we have a growing army/ militia

of consumer/providers, an oxymoron of a term

or euphemism if I've ever heard it, throughout the

state, collecting once a year, for four years now,

since the original grant proposal, for me a respite from

the usual local / regional politics in Northern Virginia, a slower

southern style, more successful, better connected,

and kind of like the big easy, to this Northerner,

who is so filled with contempt and anger at the chain of events

that he can't even communicate nice anymore, once

was a nice guy but with all the interpersonal battles,

now an outcast, aged at 45 but feeling 90+, as

we die 25 years earlier than most anyway, but that would

be too good for me, as must keep up the fight,

must be positive, must connect, but I'm too tired,

I just did the conference marathon, so remote that

difficult if not impossible to get there without

a car, lucky to not have to bike there, ~200

miles that would take 4 days and then with 3 more

days find a way back...

 

 

But this should not be sent...  It's too negative,

he's not happy, people will wonder what is up with that,

was so nice when doing an evaluation individually,

but to write all this about the overall experience,

how can that be?

 

 

Depression, tiredness, mainly hungry, angry, lonely, and tired...

i.e. the usual, as we have made alternative the mainstream,

and at least I am a victim of it's success...

 

 

 

Conclusion

 

Summary of experience or similar: Maybe it will look better when rested, and away from it for a while, but like many marathons, it's just a been there, donethat, completed it,  though most are compettive and ask "what was your time?"...  Don't know, watch broken...  Can't afford to fix it...  Maybe I ask for that nice gold watch now... i.e. retirement?

 

 

AfterThoughts

 

 

At over 4,000 words, this page is a whiney tired mess...  A tradeoff of writing while specifics are still remembered,  vs get enough sleep to write clearly...  But this is a wiki, and more notes than final product...

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Madison contains some info about Madison, who WAS involved in the Bill of Rights and one of the founders of this country, a Princeton grad (before it was called Princeton) and a lawyer, married Dolly Madison and was a president during the war of 1812 and other issues...

 

I still like VOCAL  and don't want to take away from all the work that went into creating the conference, people attending, etc, but just could not rest, didn't get the lecture information, as so tired as not able to absord, but reconnected with some, and who knows maybe learned something or helped other people...

 

Discussion

 

A place for feedback on the page presented

 

Page History

 

20090606 7.14 am Jerry

  • Adding AfterThoughts to simplify adding to 4k in blathering text...

 

20090605 8.02 am Jerry

  • Adding a tirade when too tired to think, much less whine...

 

20090601 Jerry

  • Jerry created this page to create a space holder for any future reporting on the Con...

 

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