20220128BeingARootersInProgram.HP.txt
a ReCreation of an impromptu share
the other day
BackDrop
so stealing from what was discussed
before the meeting
(baby pictures were shown
i asked for equal time for fur babies
and a chicken was added/ feathered friends
and can have chickens
but not Roosters in Arlington)
I'm a rooster in program
my first meeting i was dragged to a CODA
(CoDependents Anonymous)
and don't remember much about it
where it was (Unity Club early 1990ish
back when Ron's bookstore was there,
i know
odd surroundings
lots of 12STep jargon
is this a Cult?
people talking about feelings
i'd been buying drinks
for my housemate
what in family one does
when grow up around etoh (ethyl alcohol)
to celebrate birthdays' etc
having bought liquor for people
out of state
and less tax / dry counties?
not stores, so importing differnt stuff
typically higher end
than what's readily available
typical drive in beer garage fill up
inside
and drive through
what might be a chain in
beachy North Carolina
called BrewThru
this northern mountains )
as i recall my father drank,
though he didn't think he did
i guess compared to his father,
the town drunk (*)
(*) realizing later
even small towns may have more than one
I saw him once or so at my grand mother/father's funeral
fairly tall with dark leathery skin
like a chain smoker
or burst capillaries typeical of a rose bloomed nose
so i guess he was an adult child too
but dind't live with
as adopted out into another part of the family
mu natural grandmother on my fathers side
died in childbirth or when he was young
it was depression era?
and not a lot of single fathers existed
not their role, i guess
that may have carried through
to when my parents divorced
my slightly older sibling
had decided to live with my mother
and i was given a choice where to live
and my mother's life seemed hecktic /
overcommited to me
and decided on living the more simple life
with my father (*)
(*) later came to see it
as empty from drinking
but some similarities to TV watching
like my adoptive grandparents
though found out not formally adopted as
fighting over inheritance
with my aunt later happened
and some roe(Row? argument)
happened between them
CourtShip of Eddie's Father
was a popular TV show in the 70's
the role of men
during feminst (sp?) 1960's 1970's
working mothers
mine was a PhD
both parents were
family stories that i vomited
on my mother's PhD thesis
i guess what i thought of the distraction
but she told the committtee
and they understood, i guess
she was also a researcher
later administrator
leaving bench science
i guess having to with supporting a family
supportnig two apartments
car(s)
kid(s)
dog(s)
hobbies
enrichment: art & "culture"
etc
much of above left out
or said partially other times
and leaving some personal stuff out
for published version
other meeting(s)
walk into a room full of women
you want the other room
typically in a club AA
and thinking it a boundary problem
how would they know what i want?
i wasn't there about drinking...
Many angry critical mean women
and guys trolling the other programs
not much on drinking
i later came to stop all together
as studying substance abuse
and asking others to stop
so stop my self
plus go to other meetings
learn 12Step for counseling / sponsor roles
and see what the clinicians difference is
in classes we had substance abuser
faculty and family of combined
as the only teachers
in a community college
CSAC (Certified Substance ABuse certificate)
curriculum
and i felt/seemed abused by the abuser
talking about me behind my back
making fun of me
riducule, etc
pretend fun perhaps
but not very nice nor fun for me
i later came to see myself as a critical male
much like those women i criticize
studying substance abuse
my father was a required reading
in a combined senior & graduate level class
SnIP: with a dual graduate track as well
the drinker like teacher looks at me,
our names are very similar,
and yeah i know him
so that's what he's been doing
i really didn't know
besides typing and smoking
and drinking with TV
games, etc
never really talked about it
i'm sort of testosterone poisoned at tomes
other times i can vary the level
to suit the situation,
kind of detachable
being a dick/jerk/ maleness
stereotypically
unlike some roles in the family
my father was alpha
so i was somehow subordinate
in a young way as well
i seemed like the maid at times
houswork and cleaning
i resent a lot of that
possibly leading to some of the housing problems
i have now
so some program related stuff
there to look at sometime
i guess we lost the female help/ mother figure
and had to fend for ourselves,
my father perhaps falling back on military like life
and discipline/ creating a routine
my father could cook,
had sone some short order cooking
sometime in his background,
so not completeley helpless in the kitchen
i didn't know haw to cook
and it was cook or clean
so got stuck cleaning most of the time
he would come home
tell me to turn down the radio blaring
and start getting dinner ready
usually kind of late as worked a lot
eat
clean up/ or pile up and wait til later
watch TV
he'd drink and go to bed
(i'd hopefully have gotten my homeowrk done)
in a suburban one bedroom with den
and the dog later
to keep me company
every other weekend with my mother
overcommitted,
i guess trying to make up lost time
and a different / completely opposite lifestyle
maybe townie v. country?
and later more suburban
sibling had music lessons/
dance/ art/ etc
i'd done some sports
and they lived nearby for the start
later city to city transfers
at a point about half way between
many times my sibling would not go to dads
eventually dad got a girlfriend/
later second wife
i don't know what was happening there
not much of my business
(above mostly not said during share)
it's cold outside
so this will be short
(said early on)
if you got anything out of the share
most responses were diveristy
different viewpoints
not what i was expecting
but the impromtu lead
didn't go where i was hoping
(most don't when i share
and don't write it down/
have an outline/ reminders)
was hoping to be more funny,
and less critical
but guessing the surroundings,
my difficult mood
cold and not having much fun
paralleled other things
(other parts very personal,
left to others to share
their stories, if they with
with traditions of anonymity)
while if someone didn't share/
volunteer last minute to lead
would be reading from a daily reader
i'd missed a meeting earlier in the week
having been out too early
and dangerously cold for hours
and this a meeting i only go to holidays
and occasionally, easier with online
because of time crunch
but other things i avoid
some exercise i get going to face to face
has been dwindling away
even if don't like the meeting/
not getting along with people
the exercise and getting out
helps some
different perspectives
i've come to learn some of womens
views on lots of things,
much of which i can't repeat
but hearing a lot of relationships
not working out
mostly because of drinking
and many times the whole gender is bashed
all men are bad,
he did me wrong
etc
but in mens meetings
i hear some of the opposite
she's a problem
and how much of that is attributed to drinking
or gender,
even ortientation,
some gay/ lesbian/ bi
maybe some trans, idk etc
so orientation plays a role too
many don't detach the drinking from the person
like it's a DisEase
some use the analogy of Allergy
Cancer or
DisAbeties
later on
i tried opening it up
as things got quiet
and still time left in teh hour +15 minutes or so
and thought my meandering topic may not have
related well, or just getting tired,
difficult topic seeming critical
and other things going on
having to go in to warm up
nose been running
people walking by
was rather empty to start
and got more crowded,
testing line
and people waiting later,
the sun had come aorund and warmer
then was in the shade
but generally freezing out
and some wind
had had a difficult morning
and many other things going on
turned on my camera for a bit
and not part of the after meeting
others just left quickly
and got cut off
muted
and disconnected,
may have twirled around showing my surroundings
which the Public WireLess access
didn't like
and knew how to cut quickly
i run through a VPN
and wear BlueTooth headset
headphones with a smartphone
so not sure where the micrphone is
on the headset
on the smartphone
some combination of rstereo
some background noise/ road etc
and not being heard
in opening it up
typically a role of the Chair of the meeting
many times rather loose and both people
bounce off each other
in this case likely stepping on each others toes
which has been typical
likely forgetting a lot
maybe reemember later and add in another version/
draft
will see
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