MyFatherPassedAwayLastNight

 

Introduction/Definition/etc MyFatherPassedAwayLastNight Body Conclusion Discussion Page History Page Statistics Page Views:  since creating on 20100228

 

Introduction/Definition/etc

 

MyFatherPassedAwayLastNight

 

After a prolonged fight with heart disease,

and lupus then heart failure, 

my father passed away last night.

 

20100228 7.58 am Jerry

 

 

Body

 

I'm very tired and can't write nor think

very clearly at this point,

but probably will have more

to say about it later, as writing is

part of my self directed therapy,

and I've got plenty of complicated

unresolved grief already about many

other extended family, friends and

community losses.

 

Some quick system level things,

going to hospice (unlike

Judi Chamberlin's

"My Life As A Hospice Patient" blog)

he preferred to stay in the hospital's

Coronary ICU, despite their intensity

levels and reimbursement issues.

He basically passed as that

transition was being worked

despite his objections and being

unable to talk with shortness of

breath with everything but morphine

for the pain withdrawn at his

request and other more experimental

treatments rejected...

 

He said to me "not to talk about death",

and while respecting most of his wishes,

I'm unable to take his orders

(or side stepping some of it with

the quibbling that it is in written form,

some of which he has enjoyed

over the past year and half

giving him copies of what I'd

been publishing in StreetSense).

 

He was with a cardiologist for 20+

years and to my amazement

trusted the doctor who is very

personable, respectful and caring,

even sharing some of his experiences

doing home hospice care within his family

though the doc had many other patients,

a busy practice and many other responsibilities

and that's just in his professional life...

 

My family will probably be figuring out

what to do.  For my anonymity

and privacy though I probably will not do

the regular notices, obituaries, etc despite

my father visiting the CWC on a Thanksgiving

holiday time tour to show what I'd worked on creating,

before resigning in protest

and sharing some of my other consumer

and support activities over the years.

 

He liked gardening, and we were

planning a fishing trip (though my

preference was biking)

to his home town in rural

wilderness areas to visit

and see how it had changed

over the years since my grandparents

passed away in the early 1990s,

but I was not able to make the trip

before last fall,

and we discussed and planned on

going in spring when driving would

be safer (which some form

of spring is Monday March 1st,

despite snow forecast for today,

and a protracted

winter storm season...)

 

I had said, "make it to spring and

we will go", but should have dropped

even more things to do a last request

one personal trip, and even considered

getting medical advice and packing

him in the car (somehow propping up his legs

which were filling with fluid that his

heart could not pump even before

blood pressure was low and his

kidneys failing as a result)...

 

As many father son relationships

and presumably father daughter

and mother daughter, ad nausium, etc

we didn't always agree, fought

about many things even near the end,

but I had no doubt that he loved

and cared for me, it was probably

just arguing about how...

 

Also at his request, I will not blame

myself, despite the depression

and other things saying I should

have done things differently,

we had talked for decades since

his first heart attack, knowing

each time I saw him, it would likely

be the last, and learned how to

say "I love you", despite his

generational and perhaps cultural

reluctance to show emotions,

even a hug was difficult

despite the pacemaker/

defibrillator implant and

other soreness from lupus

and old age...   I couldn't

understand how he could

get such a device implanted

but resist switching word processors

or browsers, but he had his routines,

never really adjusting to a

drastic change, some of the many

hospitals he had been in were

no-gos, respect and other things

lacking...

 

 

He had opinions on many things,

was not afraid to speak them,

though generally did not force them

upon others, but was not beyond

griping and ranting about some stuff,

and educationally worked in the field

of public health beyond the Ph.D. level,

had early in his career been a teacher

and in the military including boxing

during the war (which one I'm uncertain

at this moment, he didn't talk about it),

though was not part of the VA medical system,

for some reason we never really discussed,

he used GI benefits to get the Ph.D.,

provide for his family, moved to

where the big cities where jobs/ careers were

he researched epidemiology as

a federal government contractor and

had many conflicts and disappointments

in his retirement, going back for economic

reasons and nearing the end

as his health was failing

and the seemingly cut throat business of contracts

and the upcoming proposal season,

declining health care funding, political

environment, etc...

 

He had a caring for neighbors

that rural people do for survival,

my recommendations to do so

for the last set of winter storms

probably implemented as an

emergency or political measure,

it's just a matter of course in caring

communities and other people in the community,

involved in lay ministry for

the elderly and sick (plus probably

learned how to care for himself

in the process, keeping himself

very busy, but counseling was

many times too painful for him),

knowing what the treatment and

hospital protocols were

and when they were not being followed...

 

Some of my first writing was on his

home office typewriter in the den,

I'm banging away some frustration

like a kid playing with his dad's shoes,

but without clear purpose, discipline,

goal nor objective, somewhat just playing

with the mechanics of the device,

hearing the pounding of the keys,

using the correction feature a bit,

though it was a WiteOut (?) /

Liquid Paper based erasing

at the time in the early 1970s,

he kept his belief that I could write,

despite my dyslexia and other diagnoses

being supportive, but was not afraid to edit

and argue with me about

what was too depressing,

inappropriate (though I don't think he

ever used that word with me)

or irrelevant (likewise?), so with that in mind,

I will try keep it short (despite almost

an Irish pub man's long-winded-ness,

technically Welsh...),

and close for the moment,

trying to remember him

as he was earlier, before the illnesses,

he would have probably appreciated

an analogy of boxing, each round

early in his life going well, he is said

to have liked his childhood,

fishing, and a little hunting in the

respectful rural tradition of eat what

you kill, picked up a gardening

tradition from his father,

getting the home canned bread and butter

pickles and fresh produce almost

"a raid the fridge"/pantry/root cellar,

really a take home care package...

 

His first heart attack was following

having his mother's macaroni and cheese,

eating blueberry pie with a sharp

cheddar cheese (she was diabetic,

so could not really even taste them),

basically a "meat and potatoes"

type culture, but learned to

adjust his diet, getting me to drink

skim milk before it was fashionable,

(other milks later tasted like cream,

my body and tastes adjusted

to the change with time, decades ago),

was working on a heart healthy cookbook,

shared tips and techniques,

but was not beyond enjoying

some of the special beers with a football game,

the usual gift was a case of something

German but popular, or a big gallon of oysters

lastly watching the 2010 Winter Olympics

changing hospital rooms to see

some of more of it, and frequently flirted

with young nurses, leaving a rose

for each (I joked that this wasn't the

Bachelor TV show, his second wife

saying he never had seen it,

likely not a regular show,

the routine of calling some relatives,

"it wasn't a good time", his parents

it was Laurence Welk, Jeopardy,

or a game, or something was playing

perhaps just catching a Bachelor preview ad),

anyway, on to better memories,

getting some rest, and catching

up on other things, as life goes on,

somehow enjoying the irony

of my belated Christmas presents

(he was in the hospital and we never

really got a regular holiday)

but this week taking of

Michael Moore's DVD "Sicko",

Oliver Sacks "Mistaking His

Wife for a Hat" book,

usually preferring to talk to people

despite a life of books and research,

(I described him at one ER as

"Burying himself in books",

adjusting to sending audio tapes

to me as a child from home

when I was in a special camp

to increase my reading skills with

dyslexia back in the early 70s...

 

'Night Dad...

Somehow, he is in heaven,

with my pet Golden Retrievers,

my grandparents, and other people

he cares about, though I might

join him just to hear the debate

with St. Peter at the Pearly gates...

8-/

 

Conclusion

 

Summary of experience or similar

 

Discussion

 

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Page History

20100228 Jerry

• Jerry created this page to notify some people...

 

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